Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, itís 0-Dark:30, in other words itís really, really early. Everyoneís asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]
Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joeyís with Monica in trail.)
Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.
Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
Rachel: What is that noise?
Joey: Itís the chick! SheísÖgoing through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thatís sheís becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) Weíre getting a second opinion.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, itís later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]
Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?
Rachel: Well, Iíve been up since six. Thanks to somebodyís dumb-ass rooster.
Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldnít be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks aroundÖ
Phoebe: All right. Iím gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if Iím ready to have Frank and Aliceís embryo transferred into my uterus.
Ross: Now, how will they know if youíre ready?
Phoebe: Oh, theyíre just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.
Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.
Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.
All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)
Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!
Monica: Oh, good luck.
Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And Iím still right!
Monica: That is sooo not true!
Joey: Sheís mad because I know todayís her laundry day and that means sheís wearing her old lady underpants.
Chandler: I can check that for ya.
Monica: I justóI canít believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you.
Chandler: WellÖ we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.
Joey: Yeah, whatís that about?
Chandler: (to Rachel) And youÖ Ross, I believe, if you check Rachelís bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) Youíre good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not.
Rachel: Iím so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.
Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?
Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.
Rachel: How many guesses do you get?
Ross: Challenge extended.
Ross: Challenge excepted.
Joey: All right, weíll start withÖapples.
Ross: Weíll be starting with apples.
Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.
Chandler: Diet soda.
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (Theyíre perfect so far.)
Chandler: Orange juice.
Rachel: No! Thereís no orange juice in there! We win!!
Ross: They have another guess.
Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.
Joey: Okay, the last thingÖ
Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joeyís ear.)
Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.
Chandler: I got it! ScotchÖ tape. (Theyíre right.)
Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: Well, we used thereís up last night making scary faces.
Monica: Aww, man!
Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.
Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.
Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions.
Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.
Monica: Are you scared?
Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?
Monica: Ross will do it.
Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" Itís not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.
Rachel: Fine! Weíll ask Phoebe.
Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.
[Scene: The Doctorís office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
Frank: Well, okay, so whatís nowógo get, go get the eggs, put Ďem in there.
Dr. Zane: Okay, itíll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"
Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.
Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?
Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.
Phoebe: Thatís it! 25 percent? That means thatís itís like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Frank: Hey, yíknow I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?
Alice: Sweety, now, sheís a woman, not a gumball machine.
Phoebe: Okay, well yíknow what, donít worry you guys, Ďcause Iím-Iím gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right.
Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, weíre kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.
Phoebe: Whoa!! Thatóokay, thatís a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is thereóis maybe is there something that I can do yíknow just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
Dr. Zane: No, Iím sorry.
Phoebe: Wow! You guys really donít know anything!
Frank: I know! Why donít you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]
Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?
Rachel: I know! I know, itís such a huge, life-altering thing.
Joey: I know.
(They all pause and think about it.)
Ross: The test is ready.
All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)
Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and Itís All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.
All: Oh yeah!
(Ross flips the coin again.)
Ross: Itís heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.
Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.
Ross: What is Monicaís biggest pet peeve?
Joey: Animals dressed as humans.
Ross: Thatís correct. Ladies?
Monica: Same category?
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!
Ross: Gentlemen, youíre pick.
Joey: Itís All Relative.
Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!
Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?
Chandler: She has a real name.
Joey: (answering the question) Althea!
Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!
Joey: I took a shot.
Chandler: Are you sure it was Althea?!
Ross: Althea is correct.
Chandler: Nice shooting!
(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)
Rachel: Weíll take Literature!!
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joeyís apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! Itís Chandler Bing!
Ross: Iím afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use youíre head!
Chandler: Actually, itís Miss Chinandolor Bong.
[Scene: The Doctorís office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.]
Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, Iím-Iím Phoebe Buffay, hi! Iím-Iím-Iím hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that weíre doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, youíve been there! Umm, yíknow they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that Iíll keep you safe and warm until youíre ready to have them take you home, soÖ Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, Iím screaming, donít worry, thatís whatís supposed to happen.
Dr. Zane: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]
Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.
Rachel: (shouting) Itís All Relative!!
Ross: You donít have to shout everything.
Rachel: (shouting) Iím sorry!
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandlerís fatherís Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!
Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.
The Girls: Yes!!
Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!
Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.
Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.
Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, weíre gonna destroy you.
Monica: Huh, wanna bet?
Chandler: Well, Iím so confused as to what weíve been doing so farÖ
Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150?
Ross: 150 dollars.
Chandler: Say 200?
Ross: 200 dollars.
Monica: Youíre doing it again.
Ross: Excuse me.
Rachel: Monica, I donít want to lose 200 dollars.
Monica: We wonít. (to Chandler) 300?
Monica: Iím just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: Okay, so letís play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
Rachel: Oooohh thatís interesting.
Joey: Hey, no way, that roosterís family!
Rachel: Throw in the duck too!
Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesnít make any noise!
Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.
Joey: Look, we are not gonnaÖ
Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]
Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I donít know about this.
Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)
Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there?
Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.
Rachel: All right, letís do it.
Monica: Come on!
Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)
Ross: All right, gentlemen, youíre up first.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round beginsóstop it (Chandler stops jumping)ónow. What was Monicaís nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big fat goalie.
Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movieÖ
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Joey: Weekend at Bernieís.
Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joeyís ear and then in Rossís ear.)
Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
(They both confer.)
Joey: Everyday use.
Chandler: Fancy guest.
Ross: Two secondsÖ
Joey: Uhh, 11!
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, thatís 4 for the guys. Ladies, youíre up.
Rachel: All right!
Monica: Come on!
(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you donít know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joeyís New Girlfriend.)
Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round beginsÖnow! What is Joeyís favorite food?
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girlís breast?
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks man.
Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bingís job?
(The girls are stumped)
Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: Itís umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, heís a transponceótranspondster!
Monica: Thatís not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)
Rachel: Oh my God.
Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.]
Joey: I call Monicaís room!
Chandler: You canít just call Monicaís room.
Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, Iím sight of the room and I called it.
(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that heís in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)
Monica: Man, I feel like Iím coming down with something.
Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you canít guess what color my tonsils are? Iíll bet the apartment!
Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. Itís too nice.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Heyóooh Pheebs, are they in there?
Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, theyíre implanted.
Monica: How do you feel?
Phoebe: Well, freaked. ĎCause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Aliceís like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.
Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.
Monica: Really?! How much?!
Phoebe: All right, Iím gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.
Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.
Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my bodyís always been a little faster than Western medicine.
Rachel: (entering from Chandlerís bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I canít believe you guys are actually think youíre moving in here!
Chandler: Well believe it baby!
Rachel: Well I-I-Iím not moving.
Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!
Joey: You canít just ignore the bet! Itís a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!
Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we wouldíve made them get rid of the birds. Right?
Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, itís all your fault.
Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!
Chandler: I knew it!
Rachel: I donít care, Iím not going anywhere.
Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.
(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)
Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.
Monica: Itís only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, Iím gonna do whatever I can to help this so, Iím just gonna yíknow, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, Iím let gravity yíknow, do its jobs.
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandlerís bedroom.]
Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?
Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girlís apartment! That is a boyís apartment, itís dirty and it smells. This is pretty. Itís-itís so pretty! And look, and itís-itís purple! And Iím telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)
Monica: Iíll take care of it.
Rachel: Thatís right! You do what the hand says!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]
Rachel: How did it go?
Monica: I lost our mattresses.
[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus?
†††††††††††††††††††††††††††† In nine will you come great us?
†††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I will buy you some Adidas."
(Thereís a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!
Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present.
Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
Frank: Umm, itís a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.
Monica: Hey, donít mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.
Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? Thereís only one question.
Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, yíknow just remember that itís still really early, okay so, if it says that Iím not pregnant, that doesnít mean that Iím not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I donít go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.
Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)
Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)
Rachel: Yíknow what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
Joey: Hey, donít get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadnít gotten the question wrong!
Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!
Ross: Donít blame the questions!
Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!
Joey: But it is our apartment!
Rachel: No itís not!
(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! Youíre gonna have a baby! Theyíre gonna have a baby!
Frank: MY SISTERíS GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!
(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Okay, but this canít be good for the baby.
All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.]
Monica: I canít find garbage bags!
Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here.
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at whatís inside of it.)
Monica: What is it?!
Rachel: I donít know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, itíll die.
Monica: I canít believe weíre living here!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, theyíre both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]
Chandler: What?! What-what is it?!
Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?!
Chandler: I canít believe we live here!
(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)
Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!