The One With The ĎCuffs

Written by: Seth Kirkland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
With Help from: Darcy Partridge

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]

Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Iím, Iím paddling away!

Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?!

Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!

Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!

(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joeyís bedroom.)

Chandler: Could we be more white trash?


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I?

Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandlerís not here, he always wins at this game.

Monica: I just told my Mom Iíd cater a party for her.

Phoebe: How come?

Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that itíd be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.

Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I donít think Mom wouldíve hired you if she didnít think you were good at what you do.

Monica: You donít have to stick up for her. She canít here you.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?

Joey: Just pickle.

Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.

Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that mustíve been awkward.

Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.

Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didnít say ĎYesí to that did you?

Chandler: (laughs) No. No!

Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandlerís bedroom)

Chandler: Well, not at first.

Rachel: What is she doing here?

(Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)

Rachel: I donít understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a Ďbig, dull dud.í

Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.

(Joey creaks louder)

Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!

Chandler: Oh, come on! Itís not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually Iím pretty much just in there by myself.

(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.)

Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it.

Chandler: Okay, I promise, Iíll end it.

Rachel: Thank you.

Chandler: I hope you know what Iím giving up for ya, because sheís not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.

Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.

[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Gellerís party.]

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Howís the hired help?

Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.

Mrs. Geller: Whatís this? Blue nail polish?

Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.

Mrs. Geller: Ahh, thatís what your Grandmotherís hands looked like when we found her.

Monica: Let me ask you a question.

Mrs. Geller: Hmm.

Monica: Why did you hire me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you werenít sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks Iím good.

Phoebe: Okay, I didnít hear that.

Monica: Oh yeah, she didnít hire me out of pity, it wasnít so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks Iím good.

Phoebe: Wow! And hey, itís cool if youíre a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.]

The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?

Joey: Uhhhh. (Heís not sure)

The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?

Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.

The Salesman: Actually, Iím not buying. Iím selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though youíre not really sure what theyíre talking about?

(We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachelís apartment, all are there.]

Ross: ÖIím telling you itís totally unconstituional.

Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree.

(Joey just nods his head.)

[Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]

Monica: ÖI think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod ĎYes.í)

All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachelís, theyíre all there playing cards.]

Chandler: Öit was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)

[Cut back to the present day.]

The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, Iím sorry, you havenít said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?

Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.

[Scene: The Gellerís Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.]

Phoebe: Thatís weird.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Your nails.

Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldnít give me grief about me biting them.

Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that itís weird that you only have nine now.

Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them putÖ (realises) Oh my God! Itís in the quiche! Oh My God!

Phoebe: Okay, donít panic. Iím gonna go to the store, Iím gonna get you another set of nails, no oneís gonna know, and youíre gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, itís Ďcause theyíre gonna eatóthatís the problem.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, donít bite your nails.

Monica: Okay ah, please donít freak out. Umm, but ah, thereís a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and thereís no way to know which one.

Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!

Mrs. Geller: (laughs) Iím not freaking out.

Monica: Then why are you laughing?

Mrs. Geller: Itís nothing, itís just that now your Father owes me five dollars.

Monica: What? You bet Iíd lose a nail?

Mrs. Geller: Oh no, donít be silly. I just bet Iíd need these. (Opens the freezer to revealÖ)

Monica: Frozen lasagnas?

Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.

Monica: You bet that Iíd screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good wasÖ

Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.

Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, youíd never use that phrase.

Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, youíve never been able to laugh at yourself.

Monica: (laughs) Thatís right. My Mom doesnít have any faith in me! Oh, thatís hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Phoebe: I donít get it.

Mrs. Geller: No, I have faithÖ

Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.)

Oven: Ding!

Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.

[Scene: Joannaís office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isnít wearing any pants.]

Chandler: It just doesnítÖfeel like weíre breaking up.

Joanna: No, we are. Iím sad.

Chandler: Okay.

(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.

Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, canít you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!!

Chandler: Thanks.

Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)

Joanna: What are you doing?

Chandler: Iím getting dressed.

Joanna: Why?

Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.

Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.

Chandler: What is it?

Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (Sheís holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together.

Chandler: Ah-ha, youíre not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.

Joanna: (kisses him) Iíll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave)

Chandler: You are, youíre gonna leave me like this?

Joanna: Knowing youíre here, waiting for me I think itís kinda exciting.

Chandler: Okay. But if you donít come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) thereís pretty much nothing I can do about it!

[Cut to Joannaís outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.]

Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.

Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!

Joanna: Oh great! Iíll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)

Rachel: Thatís weird, she locked the door.

Sophie: Yíknow why? Sheís got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.

Rachel: Okay, swear you wonít tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joannaís office. Do you wanna see the list?

Sophie: Yeah!

(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)

Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?

(Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.


[Scene: Joannaís office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.]

Chandler: Hello, JoannaÖ(Realises he doesnít know her last name)Öís office.

Joanna: (on speaker phone) Iím really sorry but I may be a little while longer.

Chandler: How little?!

Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.

Chandler: Look, this isnít funny! You get back here right now!

Joanna: I canít!!

Chandler: Why not?!

Joanna: Iím in my bossís car!

Chandler: What?!

Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)

(Chandler gets an idea)

[Cut to Rachelís office as her intercom buzzes.]

Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!

Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?

(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)

Chandler: Okay, hereís the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.

Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!

Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!

Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.

Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I canít get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and Iím cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joannaís desk.)

Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!

Chandler: Never!

Rachel: You never come into this office again!

Chandler: Fine!

Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!

Chandler: Iónever borrowed your Walkman.

Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!

Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)

Rachel: Does it hurt?

Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!

Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?

Chandler: About what?

Rachel: When she sees that youíre gone, sheís gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and Iím gonna get fired!

Chandler: Iíll make something up! Iím good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!

Rachel: No, thereís nothing to make up, sheís gonna know that I have a key to her office, Iíve got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I donít think so!

(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)

Chandler: Well, this is much better.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]

The Salesman: So, hereís somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?

Joey: He cut off his ear.

The Salesman: And?

Joey: Iím out.

The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book)

Joey: Wow! Thatís pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear Ďcause he sucked. What else you got in there?

The Salesman: Letís see, ahhhÖ Where does the Pope live?

Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, thatís the joke answer.

The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?

Joey: Spockís birth control.

The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.

[Scene: Monicaís childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods ĎYesí) Wow! You mustíve been in really good shape as a kid.

Monica: Ohh, Iím such an idiot. I canít believe I actually thought she could change.

Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.

Monica: Oh good, Iím glad thatís catching on.

Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and weíll call that pulling a Monica.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight Aís, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that oneís outta here." Though some things donít change.

Monica: (getting up) All right, Iíll go down there. But, Iím not gonna serve the lasagna. Iím gonna serve something I make.

(She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.)

Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.)

[Scene: Joannaís office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]

Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, sheís very private about her office. Now I know why.

Chandler: Hey, look, youíre in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, sheís gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.

Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?

Chandler: It still wouldnít be clean. (Rachel makes an ĎEww, disgusting!í face) All I want is my freedom.

Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!

Chandler: Freedom!

Rachel: Iíll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!

Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why wonít you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)

Rachel: Sophie sit!!

(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)

Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!

(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a ĎPouff!í)

Chandler: Iím gonna say this for the last time. Would you please justÖ (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the ĎVí book, with the salesman watching.]

Joey: Wow! Thereís a lot I didnít know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.)

The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!

Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? Iím home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess thereís a few things you donít get from book learniní.

The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?

Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?

The Salesman: You donít have, anything?

Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? Iíve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!

The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave)

Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandlerís pants.

The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?

Joey: Oh, I-I think Iím gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.

[Scene: Joannaís office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.]

Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.

Chandler: No!

Rachel: I ahÖ Oh! Iíll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!

Chandler: With extra pulp?

Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!

Chandler: No!

Rachel: Díoh!! (pause) Iíve got it!

Chandler: You donít have it.

Rachel: I have so got it. Thereís gonna be rumours about this, thereís no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.

Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?

Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.

Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.

Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generationís Milton Berle.

Chandler: And Milton Berle has aÖ

Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)

[Scene: The Gellerís kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: Theyíre not even touching the lasagna!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: Itís hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.

Monica: And you?

Mrs. Geller: I thought it wasÖ quite tasty.

Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make youÖ

Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch?

Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.

Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.

Monica: Wow!

Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesnít know we switched it. (Monica nods her head ĎNo.í)

Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails)

Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, donít bite your nails.

[Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.]

Chandler: (hello) Hello.

Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Joey: Wh-whatís going on?

Phoebe: Oh.

(She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.]

Joey: No he doesnít!

Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!

Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna?

Chandler: I think so.

Joey: Well, itís good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.

Ross: The volcano?

Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.

Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?

Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?

Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed)

All: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.

Ross: With such a sad history.

Chandler: Could there be more Kims?

(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)


[Scene: Rachelís office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]

Joanna: (from her office) Whoís out there?

Rachel: Itís me! Good morning!

Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?

Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didnít have poppy seed bagels, so IÖ (Enters Joannaís office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!

Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.)

Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that weíre definately broken up this time.

Rachel: Okay.