The One With The Jellyfish



Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen



Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I donít really know what happened with that.

[cut to Phoebe Sr.ís house, from the last episode]

Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) Iím your mother.

Phoebe: Ehh?

[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldnít go out with a guy like Chandler...

Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)

Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldnít let it go, and... I donít really know what happened with that either.

[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Rossís new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I donít know what happened there either...

[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]

Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: The beach house, itís the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachelís and Bonnieís rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]

Ross: (surprised) Hi!

Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!

Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.

Ross: Awww.

Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.

Rachel: Oh, youíre welcome a million.

Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, Iíll see you in our room.

Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.

Ross: I know.

(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)

Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.

Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!

Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.

Rachel: Here?! Now?!

Ross: Well, yeah. I canít-I canít stay here all night, and if I go in there sheís-sheís gonna wanna... do stuff.

Rachel: Well, canít you tell her that you are not in the mood?

Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesnít work either, I canít tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...

Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.

Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?

Rachel: I donít know.

(they kiss again)

Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasnít every morning.

Rachel: Oh, making it worse!

Ross: Okay.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.ís house, itís right after she told Phoebe that sheís her birth mother.]

Phoebe Sr.: So I guess youíd like to know how it all happened.

Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!

Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasnít like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.

Phoebe: How close?

Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.

Phoebe: I donít even know how that would work!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...

Phoebe: (interrupting) Iím not asking!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what itís like to be eighteen years old?

Phoebe: Yeah. Letís see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, Iím so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didnít even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I donít know, youíre here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! Iím a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didnít even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and Iím just, Iím gonna do the same thing to you.

Phoebe Sr.: Wait!

Phoebe: I donít ever want to see you again!

(She walks out and slams the door.)

Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, whereís my purse?

[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]

Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! Weíre out of soda.

Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, Iíll go out and get you some.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Nope! Because Iím not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, whoís entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go? Phoebe: Well, umm, my Momís friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.

(The gang is shocked.)

Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.

Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?

Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-whoís a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)

Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Donít you wanna stay here and talk about it?

Phoebe: No. Iím just, I wanna, I need to be alone.

(She starts to go upstairs.)

Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!

Monica: Oh.

[Scene: The beach house, Rachelís bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]

Ross: Itís over.

Rachel: Oh, was it awful?

Ross: Well, it was loong. I didnít even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 oíclock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didnít want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.

(They kiss.)

Rachel: I wrote you a letter.

Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)

Rachel: (handing him the letter) Itís just some things Iíve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.

Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, itís-itís 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, Iíd better get cracking on this baby.

Rachel: Well, Iíll be waiting for you, just come up when youíre done.

Ross: Okay, Iíll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]

Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)

Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didnít you come up?

Ross: Done!

Rachel: You just finished?

Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!

Rachel: So umm, does it?

Ross: Iím sorry.

Rachel: Does it?

Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ĎDoes it?í part just another glance.

Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesnít, and if you have to even think about it...

Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I donít, I donít, I donít have to think about it, in fact, Iíve decided, Iíve decided that, that it.......does.

(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the ĎDoes it?í part in the letter.)

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: Oh, sure! Iím sure.

Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)

[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]

Chandler: All right, thereís a nuclear holocaust, Iím the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

Chandler: Iíve got canned goods.

Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!

Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.

(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)

Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!

Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!

Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!

Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!

Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!

Monica: Itís like two miles!

Joey: Yeah, and Iím a little tired from digging the hole.

Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!

Chandler: Weíve got to do something!

Joey: Well, thereís really only one thing you can do.

Monica: What?! What is it?!

Joey: Youíre gonna have to pee on it.

Monica: What?!! Gross!!

Joey: Donít blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.

Chandler: Y'know what, heís right. Thereís something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.

Monica: Well forget it! It doesnít hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!

Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.

[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]

Phoebe: Well, Iím ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ĎYes.í) Ohh! Thatís so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod ĎNo.í) But for you, yay! Ohh.

(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: How was the beach?

Monica: Nothing, I donít know.

Ross: What happened?

Monica: Nothing. Iím gonna take a shower.

Chandler: Me too!!

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay, Iím gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.

Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?

Ross: It does. It really and truly does.

(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After sheís gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the ĎDoes it?í part.)

Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]

Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say ĒWell...Ē) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, Iím gonna break up with you!

Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) ďIf you accept full responsibility...Ē (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! ď...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!Ē

Joey: No?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, youíre back with Rachel. If you bring this up now youíre gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.

Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, youíre right. Yeah I guess Iíll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.

Joey: Sure, itís hard to forget! But that doesnít mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.

Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey: Itís between us and the sea, Ross!

(Ross laughs and has a ĎCome on...í look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]

Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we havenít talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.

Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.

Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!

Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Momís suicide note.

Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods ĎYes.í) Well, do you still have it?

Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebeís face.)

Phoebe: I canít believe you didnít tell me there was a suicide note!

Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?

Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!

(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)

Phoebe: (reading from the note) ďGood-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Iíll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.Ē You just wrote this!

Ursula: Well, itís pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?

Phoebe: Noooo!!

Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]

Monica: Pass the cheese, please.

(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)

Monica: My God, you canít even look at me! Can you?

Joey: Nope.

(Phoebe enters.)

Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!

Phoebe: No. Iím-Iím to depressed to talk.

Chandler: Iíll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.

Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!

Rachel: All right, thatís it, you guys! What happened out there?

Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.

Ross and Rachel: Come on!

Ross: What happened? Joey?

Joey: All right. (gets up)

Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore weíd never tell!

Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) Theyíll never understand!

Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! Itís eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldnít stand. I-I couldnít walk.

Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didnít think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monicaís shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)

Monica: I was in too much pain.

Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!

Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.

Joey: Iíd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You canít say that!! You-you donít know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldnít...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: Thatís right I stepped up! Sheís my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, Iíd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldnít. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, ďDo it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!Ē Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.

Joey: (laughs) Thatís Ďcause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]

Phoebe: (singing) ď...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.Ē (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.

Phoebe Sr.: Iíll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasnít been a day where I didnít regret giving you up.

Phoebe: Okay, bye.

Phoebe Sr.: No, Iím not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didnít look you up was, well I was afraid that youíd react, just well like, the way, the way youíre reacting right now, and canít we just, y'know, start from here?

Phoebe: No.

Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. Iím family, Iím it. Now, now Iím done. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: But, itís not like weíre losing anything. Y'know?

Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess youíre right.

Phoebe: Itís not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I donít know. I mean itís not like we donít have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.

Phoebe: I-I like pizza!

Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.

Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!

Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!

Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?

Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still Iím-Iím mad at you.

Phoebe Sr.: I know. Iím mad at me too.

Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? Iím kinda hungry.

Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!

Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now youíre just doing it to freak me out.

[Scene: Rachelís bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]

Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.

Ross: I missed you too.

Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much youíve grown. Y'know?

Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.

Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, ďOnce a cheater, always a cheater.Ē

Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadnít lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]

Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?

Monica: You bet.

[cut back to Rachelís bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

Ross: I didnít know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didnít finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means Ďyou are,í Y-O-U-R means Ďyour!í

Rachel: Y'know I canít believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when youíre at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!

Monica: Hey!!

Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep youíre gonna miss wishing you were with me!

Ross: Oh, no-no-no donít you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, itís not that common! It doesnít happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]

Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.

Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.

Monica: Will you stop!

Chandler: Okay. All right.

Monica: Okay, all right, I think youíre great, I think youíre sweet, and youíre smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

END